god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
