Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
