Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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