We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
