If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
