Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
