I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
