I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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