fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
