i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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