I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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