What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
