As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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