i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
