I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
