I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
