This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
