Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
