i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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