I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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