Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
