I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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