first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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