So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
