You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
