she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
