Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
