Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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