Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
