Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
