you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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