Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
