So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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