Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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