im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
