omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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