His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
