I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
