More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
