apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
