Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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