Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
