so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
