If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
