sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
