I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
