i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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