Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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