If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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