i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
