I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
