when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
