i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
